How To Be Funny, The One Page Course

Here's a little mini-course on how to be funny:
First, go read "Comedy Writing Secrets" by Helizer. And while you're at it, watch some good stand up comedy routines like Chris Rock, Eddie Murphy and Robin Williams. Listen for how they use word play, double meanings, exaggeration, and misinterpretation to create humor.

It's time to get yourself a set of standard things that you say for some of the most common situations.

Here's a list of some that I use personally and how you can use them:

1. Whenever someone has an emotional response to something, say "How do you REALLY feel about it?" For instance, if a woman says "I just HATE it when people smoke around me!" say "How do you REALLY feel about it?" The sarcasm is that they've showed that they have VERY strong feelings, so the "How do you REALLY feel" creates a joke on them that they're overly emotional.

2. Say "Anyway" and look away quickly after making a wise crack. For instance, if someone says "That girl over there is ugly" say "Oh, I thought she was you-anyway" (look away quickly). The looking away and quick "Anyway" trying to get off the topic creates a funny moment.

3. Misinterpret what women say. Always listen for opportunities to misinterpret words like it. If you say "Let's go over to the bar to have a drink" and the woman says "Let's do it," turn to her and say "Let's do it? You mean right here? I think the line for a bathroom stall is too long, and I'd rather have a drink."

4. Look for sexual innuendo in everything, and use it to accuse her of trying to seduce you before you even know her. If she says "Well, I'm getting tired, and I think it's time for bed" say "Bed? I mean, I don't even know if you know how to kiss... and you're trying to get me into bed? What happened to the old days where you could make friends first?"

5. Exaggerate. If a woman walks by that's overweight, say "What would you guess? 900 pounds?" Or if a woman complains about part of her body or her clothing (I love these opportunities)

exaggerate it. For instance, she says "My hair looks like hell today" you say "I didn't want to say anything." Ohhhh this is funny stuff. You'll usually get a hit on the arm (for which you can spank her on the ass). Then you can go on all night making fun of her hair, talking about how everyone is looking at it, how you're embarrassed to be seen with her because of it, etc.

6. Connect things around you current affairs in a funny way. If a woman with a huge butt walks by say "Hey, Jennifer Lopez is in the house." If a woman starts talking about how she just bought herself a new car, say "I like the effect that the Independent Woman song is having on you." (These are, of course, currently funny. Next year it will be a different set of things)

7. Don't smile too much, and don't laugh at your own jokes very often. When you smile or laugh, it releases the tension. If you can keep a straight face, the joke stays funnier longer.

OK, there's a list of basic things that I've learned about how to be funny. I'd recommend that you start studying humor, read books about it, go to comedy clubs, and learn more advanced skills.
Also, start reading Maxim and Stuff magazines. Read how they always use reversal humor. This is some good funny stuff.

How To Answer Any Question That You Don't Want To Answer

Women have a way with questions.

They seem to always ask questions that men don't want to answer.

Questions like:

"Are you seeing anyone else right now?"

"How do you feel about marriage?"

"Do you want kids?"

"How do you feel about me?"

"Do I look fat in these pants?"

Know what I'm talking about?

Well, it took me awhile, but I finally figured out how to deal with tough questions: Evasive Action.

Here's how it works. She asks you a tough question. You don't miss a beat, and answer with the answer she wants to hear. Then you throw in a slapstick comedy line.

For instance:

Say she asks: "Are you seeing other women?"

You answer: "No... other men."

Get it?

Here's another one:

She asks: "Do you love me?"

You answer: "Of course... as a friend."

And another:

She asks: "Where were you last night? I called."

You answer: "I was home thinking about you... but since you didn't call early enough, I went out and hired ten strippers."

At first, I figured that this tactic wouldn't work. But then I tried using it a few times, and behold, it worked in almost every situation.

And if she pushes and asks again: "Cummon, seriously..."

You say: "No, seriously. I was home thinking about you... OK, OK, you got me. I really went out with ten other women. Are you happy? What, are you feeling insecure?"

If you keep it up, they'll give up.

Make sure you don't act busted or nervous and it will work for you, too. Remember, women can take hints very well, and if they think that there's an answer that they don't want to hear, they'll give up and stop asking.